Episode 83 - Nothing but Quiet Chaos

Mike runs his mouth about that weird space where nothing is going terribly wrong… but you still can’t relax.

From overthinking simple emails at work to realizing he’s been conditioned to expect things to fall apart, this episode unpacks what it feels like to always be a little on edge — even when things are technically fine.

He gets into feeling behind at 30, the constant noise of everything going on in the world, why “don’t get too comfortable” might be messing you up, and why it’s so hard to actually enjoy things when you’re always waiting for the next problem.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re just waiting for something to go wrong… yeah, this one’s for you.

If you would like to share your opinion, send an email to lnbemedia@gmail.com and don't forget to follow me on Instagram and TikTok @thelnbepodcast.

Transcript

The Slow Build Of Stress

Mike 0:09

Alright, so last week I mentioned that even though nothing is catastrophically wrong, but 10 small things happen and suddenly you're fully on edge. Like it's not one big problem, it's just constant little stuff stacking on top of each other. And I've been thinking about that more this week because I don't think that feeling actually goes away. I think that you just get used to it. Like nothing is fully falling apart, but you still feel tense all the time. Like not panicked, not spiraling, just always a little on edge. And what's weird is work has actually been a little bit better lately. Like the past few emails I've sent, there's been less revisions, less back and forth. And on paper, that should make me feel better. But it doesn't. Like I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. I just haven't found out what it is yet. Like, I can't even send a simple email just confirming something with someone internally without feeling like it's gonna get critiqued. Not even like a big email. I'm just talking, hey, just confirming that this is correct. And I'm still sitting there like, did I word that weird? Should I have said this differently? Is this about to get sent back? When is this shoe gonna drop? And then you send it, and you're just waiting. Like, all right, let's see how I mess this one up. And nothing happens. No response, no critique, and instead of feeling relieved, I'm like, okay, so what did I miss? Like, silence isn't even peace anymore. Silence actually feels more suspicious than anything. And I've been trying to figure out what that actually is. Like, is this just stress, or is this just how work actually works? Because you're working on stuff that's kind of a moving target. Things change, people give input, you adjust. And in theory, that's collaboration. But it still has that same feeling of here's what I want. Actually, you know what? Change this. Even if that's not technically what's happening. So now I'm sitting there like, am I missing something? Or am I just not used to this kind of environment yet? And I think that's when it hit me. I don't think this is just about the job anymore. I think I've been conditioned to always expect something to go wrong. It's almost like I don't even enjoy when things are going right. I just start preparing for when they don't. Because last year, actually technically two years ago now, I was finally starting to feel like I was getting somewhere. I had decent pay, some stability, I felt like things were moving in the right direction. And then I got laid off. Oh, how many times is this guy gonna bitch that he got laid off? That was two years ago. Alright. And how many of you are still stuck on that one that got away in high school? Exactly. That kind of thing doesn't just go away. Because once something like that happens, it changes how you look at everything. Like, oh, okay, so none of this is actually secure. And I don't think I ever fully shook that. Because now, even when things are fine, I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the critique, waiting for the problem, waiting for the oh well actually, and it's not even the situation anymore, it's the expectation, and it's not even just work, it's everything. Like I'm 30, I've got some money saved, but not enough to feel comfortable. Not enough where I'm like, yeah, I'm good no matter what. It's more like I'm good as long as nothing goes wrong. I'm back at an entry-level salary doing way more than I'm getting paid for. Like, how the fuck am I supposed to get ahead from here? How the hell am I supposed to have a house, retire, or just have any kind of financial freedom in general? That all feels so far away right now. It almost doesn't feel real. And I think a lot of you guys are thinking the same thing as me here, and I think that's part of it too. Because when you don't feel secure, you don't relax. Even when things are going okay. And then on top of all of that, I've been thinking about that phrase that people always say, don't get too comfortable. And I get what they mean. They just mean don't get complacent, don't get lazy, don't stop paying attention. Because the second that you get too comfortable, you stop checking yourself, you stop putting in the same effort because you just assume things are fine, and that's usually when things start slipping. Like, what are they gonna do? Fire me? Yeah, that's exactly what they're gonna do. But when people say don't get too comfortable, I don't think that they mean just live in a constant state of anxiety. Like, I don't think the lesson there is to never relax again. Because that's what it's turned into for me. When I hear don't get too comfortable, my brain has been translating that into you better stay on edge, you better stay ready, you better be braced for something to go wrong. Oh, gee. And I wonder why some of us might think that way. Because whenever I open up my frigging phone, everything in the world is just loud. Like our country is being run by a toddler who's also a bully, and somehow that's supposed to make all of us feel stable. Like I was texting my friend about this the other day because Trump is just unhinged. I mean, the dude literally threatened to blow up a whole civilization. Like, that's not crazy to anybody, just because he didn't get what he wanted. And notice how Israel's the only one that really benefits, but the US is taking all of the heat that's coming from this. And let me tell you, that heat ain't just coming from all the friggin' missiles that he was throwing out in Iran. Oh what? Too soon? Oh, I'm the president of peace. Yeah, the piece of these nuts. You expect me to feel secure when basic shit like gas is bouncing between four, five, six bucks a gallon to god knows what? Like, how are any of us supposed to relax when just getting through the week seems to be costing us more and more each month? This friggin' guy escalates a war. He got us involved when he didn't even need to. He's proving he's got Netanyahu's back, but like for what? Cause his dick gets hard from the thought of blowing up smaller countries. And since he's not getting what he wants, he's just throwing a tantrum, even though he agreed to the terms that Iran gave us. Oh, I didn't agree to this. Bitch, you signed the treaty. Like, don't gaslight girl boss me into thinking that you're not doing what you're doing. He's like the asshole who's already punching you and goes, say uncle, no? Okay, and he just rips in harder just to be a cocksucker. Mike, what the hell are we doing here? We don't get political on this show. How do we go from emails to foreign policy? Like, that is quite the jump. But you know what? I actually don't think it is. Because it's the same energy. Everything feels reactive, everything feels loud, everything feels like no one pauses. And it's not even that things are chaotic, it's how fast everything moves. Like something will be the biggest story in the world. Everyone's talking about it. It's everywhere for like a week or two, and then something else happens. And it's like, wait, well, well, what about that thing? Like nobody's even talking about that thing anymore. And I'm just sitting there, like, well, did we solve it? Did it just go away? Or are we just gonna move on? Like, no one's even talking about the Epstein files anymore, and it's just more and more stuff just getting piled on to quote my cousin Vinny. And let me see what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit that we can pile on to the top of this case? Because that's exactly what it feels like, it's just constant noise, and I think that's part of why everything feels so overwhelming, because nothing actually gets resolved, it just gets replaced, and that's why those little moments where everything quiets down matter more than they should, because it's the only time that we can actually relax. Like in the mornings, my alarm goes off, and within like 30 seconds, the cat is sprinting up the stairs, jumps on me, and just sits there. No anxiety, no overthinking, just yeah, this is what we're doing. I want my pets, and you're gonna like it, damn it. And you know what? I do like it. I like it when she wants her little pets because my day isn't starting already overloaded, it's starting in a relaxed state, and on the plus side, it gives me a reason to stay in bed rather than dealing with the anxiety of having to get up to just go to work. But at the same time, I'm also thinking, how do you just exist like that? Oh, to be a pet in a dual-income household must be the life. No emails, no deadlines, no circle back on this. Your biggest decision is which blanket feels right. Oh, the last time I was able to think about something like that was maybe when I was six years old. Like, to be able to sleep your day away. When's the last time you were able to do that? The last time you got COVID? And even then, you're probably just thinking, like, oh my god, what if this is way worse than it is? Like, the constant thoughts of worry that just circle in our heads is absolutely crazy. I think I think about worrying about stuff more than I actually do anything to compensate for the stuff that I'm worrying about. But even something like the weather getting nicer, I step outside, feel the sun, and for like 45 seconds, I feel like a person again. And I think that's why I'm starting to realize it's not that things aren't getting better, it's that I don't know how to feel better yet. And I think part of that too is I've always kind of rushed things. Like even with this podcast, when I first started, I was trying to do too much, I was trying to sound like other people, I was trying to hit a certain style, but I was trying to make it something instead of just figuring it out. And I think I'm just now starting to find my own rhythm with it, which is funny because it's the same thing I'm dealing with in life and in work. Like maybe not everything needs to happen right away. Maybe some of this is just figuring it out as you go, because I'm so used to being tense that even when there's less to be tense about, I still am. And there has to be a middle ground between complacency and constant anxiety. Like I know I'm not supposed to get too comfortable, but I also can't live like I'm bracing for impact all day. Because that's not discipline, that's just exhausting, and that's why this trip to Rhode Island that I have coming up this weekend feels even bigger than it should. One, because it's my first little getaway with live, which I'm excited about. But number two, I also get to see some friends that I haven't seen in quite a while, so I'm just excited in general. But like, I don't even need anything crazy, I just want to not feel on edge for like 24 hours. So I don't think the problem is that my life is bad right now, but I also don't think that the solution is wait for everything to be perfect. I think I'm just trying to figure out how to exist in this space where things are just okay, and I'm still a little anxious anyway. And maybe that's normal. Maybe the goal isn't to eliminate that feeling completely, maybe it's just to not let it run everything. Because if things are improving, maybe the move isn't to question it, and maybe the move isn't to stay tense all the time either. Maybe it's just learning how to appreciate those small moments without feeling like you need to be on edge to stay ahead. Alright, I appreciate you guys listening. And if any of this resonated with any of you, do me a favor and give me a follow, and I'll catch you on the next one.